Lasting Too Long?

Dear LargeInLife,
I have only recently started having sex with my girlfriend (or soon to be) and things seem to be going smoothly. However, I have come across an issue I never even imagined could be considered a problem. Simply put, I seem to last too long in bed, or can't actually ejaculate without doing it myself. She put it best:

"You have the problem everybody else wants"

Any decent person during sex wants to make it as good for the other as possible, and if you feel like they weren't satisfied you feel like you under perform, which hits confidence. While I have persuaded this girl that it is not her, it is very much my own issue, I cannot help but feel like she still feels inadequate almost. This is very frustrating for me and puts me off the idea of having sex quite a bit, even though I do enjoy it and by no means do I mind finishing myself whenever were done.

I always imagined my first time lasting 10 mins at best, not an hour and half until she climaxed 3 times and I had to finish myself off lol.

What seems to happen is when the foreskin drags back the head becomes numb as it is so sensitive. Sex feels amazing at first but I lose the good feeling as I go on, which is why I believe it goes "numb". I'm not sure what I should do next, it isn't really an issue in the relationship at the moment, but any way to overcome this without counselling would be nice.

Thanks in advance,
Danny
18 yrs. UK (7" Length x 5.5" Girth)

Danny,
This is a tough problem, and in a lot of ways, it might be more difficult to fix this type of problem than it would be for a man who cums too quickly who is trying to last longer. I've suffered from this problem also in the past, and the first thing I would remind you of is this: "The mind is the largest sex organ in the body."


You mentioned that this was your first time, and I will tell you that in my opinion most sexual problems (non health related) are rooted psychologically. I'm not saying you're crazy, or need therapy. I'm saying that I'll bet when you focus on your mental game, you will find the solution to your problem.

This problem can and will be solved, you will have do do some work on your own, and if you can open up to your girlfriend and let her be involved, you will probably:
A. Find your solution faster, and
B. Become closer with your GF through the process, and
C. Improve your sex life, so win-win.

So lets tackle this problem with a one-two punch, there is the physiological and the psychological:

First the physiological side.

You mentioned that you can get yourself off on your own, so we know you are capable of achieving an orgasm. So that's a problem we don't have to worry about, because I'm sure there are men out there that can't.

"Sex feels amazing at first but I lose that good feeling as I go on." This can happen, and has happened to me many times. Pay attention to the tools you are using in bed, my condom of choice, and what I seriously recommend "Trojan Magnum Ecstacy" they are my personal favorite, and for me are the closest thing to not wearing a condom. They are designed to have a more personal and sensitive feel, which might help you. Also, after having sex for an extended period of time, you mention loosing that good feeling. That good feeling you are talking about could be the initial wetness of her pussy when you first start having sex. Sometimes women don't stay that wet continuously, so you can add some spit, or some lube (if you are using it with a condom, use water based lube). When I'm having sex for a long time, and I start to lose some sensitivity, I always add lube.

When you have sex is it always in the bedroom? Is it always in the same position? Is it always at the same time of day? The phrase, "Variety is the spice of life." comes to mind.

My guess is that you are being too repetitive. If you keep doing it the same way over and over, and you go numb, you're probably not going to cum from more of the same. Try different positions, try having her grab your balls, try talking dirty, try some sexy bedroom games, try having her suck your dick, or try titty fucking her. Try fucking her against the window, in the backseat, on the bathroom sink, or in a public place. These are some easy ways you can mix things up and it may jolt your sex life in a positive way.

Are you taking any medications? If so, this can effect you sexually. Every medication has a different set of side effects, so if you are taking meds, look into the side effects, and talk to your doctor. Because I'm not educated to prescribe advice on that.

I assume that you masturbate on your own also, pay close attention to your masturbation habits. This is how you are getting off on your own, and its important. How are you usually getting off? What is your technique? How tight is your grip? Are you watching porn? If yes, what do you find yourself focusing on when you climax?

If you masturbate very often, you may be de-sensitizing your penis and also conditioning yourself to only climax when its just you and your hand. For some people, masturbating less often will do the trick and solve the problem. For some it wont. I think its worth exploring, because if you start conditioning yourself to climax only when you are having sex, you will eventually find it much easier to climax with sex.

Now this issue is not a specifically "Well-Endowed-Only" problem. You did mention that you have a large sized penis, and this does have an effect on things too. In my personal experience, when I am having sex with my girlfriend, after she has gotten off a few times, and I'm still going. Having a large sized penis limits the amount of time that she will be able to accommodate me. After she has cum a few times, she might tell you that you are "rubbing her raw" or I can't tell you how many times I've been going and she says, "Ok you're just too big, I have to stop."

This can happen, and you might experience this in the future. Which might make it more challenging for you when you are trying to get used to climaxing from sex. My advice, don't feel any extra pressure to make yourself cum. The more pressure you put on, the more difficult it will be for you to enjoy yourself. Which leads me to my next point, tackling this issue from


The psychological side.

Ok, remember when I said that "The mind is the largest sexual organ in the body" its true. Now you have to dig a little deeper. The first question to ask yourself: Is there some major stress, or conflict, or dilemma you are currently dealing with? Now you have to really look inward on this one, because you could have a problem that might not seem like a big deal on the surface, but possibly you have repressed your feelings about it, and its weighing heavily on your subconscious.

I'm not trying to spit psychobabble at you, so don't get scared off right away. If you have a personal conflict or major stress in your life, it can have strange effects on the body. I once had some serious issues with my dad that I needed to resolve, and I was impotent for a month at age 19. I resolved the issues, and have not had a problem ever since, I'm 23 now.

If you are dealing with something heavy, this could contribute to your sex life. I would recommend trying to confront and resolve the issue, if you feel like there is one. (You would probably know it if there was one)

"Any decent person during sex wants to make it as good for the other as possible, and if you feel like they weren't satisfied you feel like you under perform, which hits confidence. While I have persuaded this girl that it is not her, it is very much my own issue, I cannot help but feel like she still feels inadequate almost."

Reading this part confirms it to me that you will be an amazing lover. One of the most important parts to amazing sex is to pay close attention to your partner and what they like, need, etc. You got that, and all of your partners will love and appreciate you for that. Now the hard part for guys like you.

You have to focus on you.

You are obviously doing something right, you are getting her off multiple times. Most guys don't even know how to do that, if you don't believe me. Go ask 10 of your girlfriends how many guys have ever been able to get them off. You will be surprised as to how low that number really is.

Remember when I told you to pay close attention to your masturbation habits. Think about what it is you are frequently focusing on when you hit your climax, are you staring at tits, are you thinking about a bj, are you imagining fucking a sheep. Whatever it is, its important and will play a big role in helping you get off from sex with your GF (If your fantasy involves adolescent kids-see a therapist right away)

Anyways, bring your attention to what it is that pushes you over the edge and makes you climax. This might be the key to help you get off. You have to capitalize on whatever it is that gets you off because thats personal to you. If you only imagine BJ's when you climax, then of course you wouldn't be as turned on from fucking. This is also where having involvement and willing participation from your Girlfriend is essential.

You have to tune in to what it is that gets you off, it could be things you hear, see, touch, smell, or think about. If the mental image of a locomotive rushing through a tunnel gets you off, so be it.

Here is a personal example. I am a total breast man. I love boobs, and I'm totally aroused by them, and I always stare at pictures of my girlfriends amazing tits when I masturbate. She knows how much I love her tits, and she also knows how much they arouse me. Secondly, I love many sexual positions, especially doggy style, and me being on top of her with her legs up at her shoulders. But, its hard for me to cum when I am the one doing most of the physical work. Thirdly, I love deep penetration, and that helps me get off also. And fourthly, I love it when my girlfriend tells me how big my dick is and how much it fills her, she knows that hearing those words really arouses me.

So when it comes time for me to get off, my girlfriend knows how to do it. She gets on top of me, this puts her tits directly in front of my face, since she's on top she's the one doing most of the physical work, and this position allows for deep penetration, and she lets me squeeze and suck on her tits as she tells me how she loves my big cock. This is the formula for me to get off, and it took me a long time to learn just what I like, but now we know, it works 9/10 times.

Now you have to relax, let your mind be free, and focus on enjoying the sex. Its a lot easier said then done to let go of your concerns, and all the pressure you feel, but it is doable. You just have to train yourself, and realize that sex is also about you too. The goal here is to achieve MUTUALLY ENJOYABLE sex.

With a bit of work, optimism, and a bit of patience, you are on your track to achieving your goals. I have no worries that you won't figure it out.

I hope this is helpful.

Peace & Love

- LargeInLife